Relationships and Competing: A Tribute to Valentine's Day
February 7, 2012
With Valentine’s Day approaching, I thought I’d discuss some skills my husband and I have developed to maintain a happy, healthy marriage, while also being an NPC Athlete. Being a competitor’s partner is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for a relationship that lacks trust or is wrought with insecurity.
While I don’t profess to be an expert at marriage, I will tell you that my husband and I recently celebrated our 8thwedding anniversary and we have an AMAZING marriage. I don’t say that to brag. Trust me, both he and I kissed a LOT of frogs and made more than our share of mistakes to have the marriage we have today. When my husband and I got married 8 years ago, I had no idea that I’d be an NPC Athlete, nor did I have any clue what I was really asking of him when I asked him to support me all those years ago when I started training to become one. Together, we embarked on this journey of mine and we’ve not merely survived it, we’ve thrived. Here are some things we’ve learned along the way:
Relationship Goal: ENHANCE each other’s life everyday
Just like we set physique goals for ourselves, a healthy relationship benefits from having a goal. The goal that my husband and I’ve set is simply to enhance each other’s lives. We both try to behave in such a way as to make the other person’s life better because we’re in it. It is not necessarily grand gestures, we just think as we make choices throughout our day, “Which choice will enhance my partner’s day?”
Of course, we all know that isn’t always possible. Like many goals, life sometimes has other plans. Given those circumstances, I stop and think, “What choice will have a neutral or the least negative impact on my husband?”
Conflict resolution: Who does it mean more to?
I know, I know, you’re thinking that sounds nice Summer, but come on, what if there’s a conflict? My husband and I have learned to analyze the situation by determining, “Who does it mean more to?” I remember one particular situation where my husband wanted to have houseguests for the weekend. But there was one, big problem, I was competing the very next weekend. As you fellow competitors know, the idea of houseguests the weekend prior to a competition is about as appealing as a root canal. After thorough discussion, I could tell that having guests really meant more to my husband than not having them meant to me. Once that was determined, we worked out the details. Again, this is where I must restate, being a competitor’s spouse is not an easy job. In this particular situation, my husband was left doing the entire house cleaning, shopping, and cooking for the guests. But in the end, neither of us felt any anger or animosity towards the other person.
Appreciate your partner in their “love language”
The best way I can explain this one is the story of Tori and Ned (Note: Names have been changed to avoid having friends annoyed with me). Tori is a good friend of mine who used to complain to me nonstop about Ned. “He never buys me cards. I buy him a card, pour my heart out to him and he acts like he doesn’t even care. And of course, he never buys me cards. Why can’t he simply stop at Hallmark and buy me a card? Would it be so hard? And yet, he always complains because I don’t want to have sex. I might want to have sex if he brought me cards!” What seemed so painfully obvious to me was something that Tori never understood and of course, now they’re happy un-married. We all have the ways that we enjoy being loved, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for our partner. You may LOVE cards. Your boyfriend may HATE them. Open up a non-confrontational conversation with your partner. Ask him, “What are the top 5 things I could do to make you feel loved/appreciate?” I bet you’ll be surprised. Learn your partner’s “love language” so that when you are working on enhancing their lives, you’re actually doing it in their “language”.
Check insecurities at the door
It is said that money is the root of all evil. If money is the root of all evil, insecurity is the soil that nourishes evil. Insecurity causes people to behave badly. If either person is insecure, it is nearly impossible to enhance each other’s life consistently. One partner’s always too worried about losing the other partner to actually think of them and enhance their life. Insecurity causes a person to be focused on “me, me, me”. And I get it, insecurity is an awful feeling. My husband and I have discovered that if we’re enhancing each other’s lives and speaking each other’s love language, insecurities aren’t an issue. Unfortunately, I know that won’t be the case for everyone and therefore I say, tune them out. Tune them out like you tune out your desire for chocolate or pizza or a margarita. You, as a competitor, are not only strong physically, but you’re even stronger mentally. You wouldn’t be a competitor, if you weren’t. Use your strength to say, “No” to insecurity and “Yes” to making your marriage and competing a harmonious experience.
Happy Valentine’s Day
